


I Swear I Can't Take It Anymore

by Popmypunk



Category: Castle
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drama, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-11-11
Packaged: 2018-08-18 19:14:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8172805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Popmypunk/pseuds/Popmypunk
Summary: Sometimes its hard to keep your head up, but when everything goes wrong you start really thinking about wanting to die. I promise I'm trying, but this slimy hotel and bottle of vodka is doing all the talking.Kevin is acting off and the rest of the 12th is curious.





	1. Congratulations

Based around 8x5.   
This is unedited so my apologies for any mistakes. 

I clicked on the link they sent me. Opening it up I breathed in and read the results. I had failed. My vision and brain began to get foggy, I had failed. This is exactly what Jenny said would happen, I still can’t understand it I had studied my ass off for this exam only to fail. I guess summed up my life. I was pulled out of the fog when I heard Javi speak.

"Yo bro, I passed! What about you?" I looked up from my phone and made contact with Javi, he was ecstatic. Putting on the same mask I wear every day I mustered up a smile and congratulated Javi.

"Congrats bro, you deserve it. Sergeant Esposito sounds fitting for you." Out my peripheral vision I could see Castle coming into the bullpen with two bottles something and a big grin on his face. Great another person I let down. He probably assumed we both passed.

"Bro, what about you?" I could tell Javi wasn't trying to make me feel worse, he did. Once again I mustered up a smile, but this time I had more but this time it was more a care free grin and I responded.

"Didn't pass, but you know it's whatever? Not like I actually cared about the exam." That was a lie and Javi knew it. Luckily before Javi could open his mouth Castle swooped holding one bottle now.

"Esposito, congratulations!!! Here is a little celebratory gift, but don't fill up! At tonight's poker game we can celebrate properly when you're not on call!" Castle thrusted the bottle into Javier's chest and twirled around. 

Giving me the 'better luck next time champ' he spoke.

"Ryan don't worry, there is always next time."

I didn't say anything or even make eye contact Castle if I actually spoke I would break. That’s last thing you want to do at work.

"Poker at 7 boys, like normal! This time there will be a little surprise." Castle yelled as he winked at Javier. 

Walking into Captain Beckett's office he was out of my line of sight.  
I said backed out of my desk and started fiddling with my computer I finish my notes, but Javier didn't know that. That's one thought started coming back to my head. Why did I not pass, am I really that stupid? I began to realize this is why Jenny left me I couldn't bring home the money to support my family because I was too stupid. I failed as a father and as a husband, and now as a member of the NYPD. This is shaping up to be a really good year I thought sarcastically. 

"Bro, you okay?" I hate when people asked that I absolutely hate it. Of course I'm not okay. My wife had left me and took my daughter. I still had worn my fucking wedding ring just so nobody asked me that question. I was seriously on the verge of losing it. 

Standing up and grab my jacket and responded with as fast as I could not making eye contact with Javier. 

"Course I'm fine! Never been better!"

Okay maybe that came out with more sarcasm then attended, but I didn't stick around long enough for Javi to make a remark.

I quickly dropped over to Captain Beckett's office and pop my head in, making eye contact with Castle and herself. 

"Hey Captain, I'm going to head out early. Things I got to do." It was extremely vague and I hoped Castle or Beckett wouldn't ask why. 

They didn't ask, but I did get a weird looks from both of them luckily I normally didn't bust out early, so she let me go.

“Alright you can head out early. We'll see you tonight at poker, right?" Beckett questioned. I didn't respond, I just turned around and started walking to the bullpen elevator. 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

Kevin had just left the building in a blaze of furry two hours early. I don't know what got into him, I guess it was just the fact he didn't pass the exam. Still, the way he was acting wasn't normally how Kevin acted. 

I pulled myself up from my desk, walking in the direction Beckett's office when something caught my eye. There was a shiny key card on the floor near Kevin's desk. It was to a room 12 at some slimy motel in Manhattan called the Pod 51. Why would Kevin be staying at a slimy motel? 

Once I made it to Beckett's office, I put the card in my pocket. It's probably just some perps. 

"Where'd Kevin head off to?" I asked once in the room.

Castle and Beckett exchanged a few glances then turn my way.

"He said he had to go and take care of things." Beckett responded with weary face. I shot an eyebrow up.

"Did he say what?" Beckett and Castle both shook their heads. Man what the hell was going on with Kevin. 

“Maybe he just needed a nap before poker, aye Sergeant!” Castle said with a grin. Beckett’s eyes lit up.

“You passed?!” She made her way from behind her desk and pulled me into a hug.

“Congratulations Javi! You deserve it! Did Kevin pass?” She was smiling from ear to ear. I felt some pride in myself. Kate was like my younger sister and I always liked to make her happy.

“No, he just brushed it off too. He said he didn’t care, which is a lie. He’s the one who wanted us to take the exam.” Castle and Beckett just looked at each other. 

“Well maybe he’s just frustrated or embarrassed about not passing.” Beckett added, trying to make sense of Kevin’s behavior. I let out a frustrated sigh. 

“Don’t worry Espo; well ask him tonight at poker.” Castle reassured. I let out a huff, shoving my hands in my pocket. I was about to go back to my desk when I felt the key card.

“Hey guys, did we have a perp that was staying at the Pod 51 in Manhattan” Beckett shot me a strange glance.

“No, we didn’t. Why?”

“Well I found this on the floor near Kevin’s desk after he bolted out of here.” I responded as I handed over the key card.

 

“Do you think it came from Ryan?” Beckett said as she fingered the key card.

“Why would Kevin be staying at a motel?” Castle asked. I just shrugged, shoving my hands back into my pockets. Beckett must of had the same thought, cause she flipped the card over and began dialing the ‘Lost Card’ on the back of the card.

“Hello, this is Captain Beckett of the 12th precinct. I was wondering if you can tell me whose been staying in room 12, please.”

“- One Kevin Ryan okay, how long has he been staying?” She made wide eyes with Castle and I. What was up with Kevin?

“One month. Thank you for your information.” She set the phone on the receiver and let out a breath.

 

“He’s been staying for the past month. Payed in cash.” We had the same look of worry and curiosity plastered across our faces. 

“What about Jenny and Sarah Grace?” I knew Kevin would never walk out on his family. Something had to be terribly wrong. 

“Look let’s not jump to conclusions, well ask him at poker tonight. He probably can explain.” Castle reassured again.

“I sure hope so.”

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

I was pissed, I couldn’t unlock my door. My key card had just upped and disappeared and I had to get the front desk to unlock the damn door. Once I was in I shed my clothes and grabbed a bottle of vodka from the mini fridge. I look my belt, badge, and service revolver off and place them on my night stand The room was tiny and was smelt moldy. It was all I could afford though, the divorce and on top of it the child support was bleeding me dry. I wanted to see Sarah Grace, but I knew Jenny would never let her see me in this dump. Taking another swig I coughed. All my possessions were stacked on various surfaces across the room, this was depressing.

Sometimes it’s hard to keep your head up, but when everything goes wrong you start really thinking about wanting to die. I promise I'm trying, but this slimy hotel and bottle of vodka is doing all the talking. I was slowly becoming drunker and drunker by the minute and with every swig of vodka I was getting closer to wanting to blow my brains out.   
I couldn’t pass the damn exam, provide for my family, or keep friends. I shuddered; by this point Beckett probably knows I failed. There probably all laughing at what a fool I am. I chuckled. And they wanted me to go to poker tonight I was most likely going to be the laughing stock at poker and even back at the precinct. I threw back another swig of vodka.   
The look on Javier’s face when I told him I failed told me everything. That was the same look Jenny gave me when she asked for the divorce. The same look of disgust and pity. The look of no love. That made my stomach clench. 

All the feelings I’ve ever shoved deep into the pits of my sole began to pour out as I finished off the bottle of vodka. I was practically choking on my tears, while letting my emotions go. 

Throwing the bottle across the room it shattered. I couldn’t take the failure of the life anymore. I grabbed my service revolver from the night stand and pushed it against my temple.

So much for until the wheels fall off.


	2. Guns Make Better Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slow conversations with a gun mean more than I've ever said to anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kind feedback, its much appreciated! 
> 
>  
> 
> There will be slash in later chapters ( soon), just trying to develop the scene first.

It had only been a few minutes since we had discovered that Kevin has been staying at some shitty motel. We all attempted to get to finishing up our work, but the thought of Kevin not telling us something as serious as this was leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

Kevin and I were partners till the wheel feel off and the fact he never told me something was going on between Jenny and him was making my stomach hurt. Every time they had even the slightest disagreement Kevin told me. Every time he had even the slightest question about what to say or do, he asked me. Kevin never acted out of character unless it was serious. Now I just couldn't shake the feeling something was terribly wrong. I had to go check on him. I had to get to the bottom of this.

I quite literally jumped out of my seat and in a few brief strides I was already in Beckett’s office. The first thing I saw when entering the office was Beckett and Castle throwing their coats on and Beckett making sure she has her shield and her piece at her hip. I was about to open my mouth when Beckett spoke.

“Come on Espo, were going to make sure he’s okay.” I must have had a stunned look on my face cause Beckett didn't skip a beat when she said, “We are family. We are all worried.”

* * *

 

The gun was still pressed against my temple with my trembling hand. My back was partially against the flimsy back board and the faded maroon wall. My head was still swarming with the events of the last month. My heart ached as the thoughts of Sarah Grace and Jenny crossed my mind.

_I had just got home from finishing a case and walked through the door. It was only five o’clock, so when I didn’t hear the giggle of my daughter I became worried. Throwing my coat on the road kill couch I advanced towards the kitchen in hopes of finding someone._

_Low and behold there was Jenny sitting at the island with papers in her hand._

_“Honey?” I questioned as I placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. Visibly shuddering I retracted my hand and made my way across to face her._

_Her eyes were red and swollen and she sniffled letting another tear fall from her face._

_“Jenny. Baby, what’s wrong? Where’s Sarah Grace?” I was worried something bad had happened. Little did I know the bad was yet to come._

_“She’s at my mothers. Kevin, we need to talk.” She finally responded as she slid the stack of papers towards me. Looking down I let out a little gasp._

_“Kevin, I want a divorce. I can’t do this anymore.” She looked at me with little to no emotion in her eyes. Why was she doing this to me?_

_“Please just sign this and make it easy, Kevin. I don’t want this to draw out any more than it already has.” Jenny didn’t say anything more; she just passed me a pen to sign. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I lost it._

_“So you’re just going to spring the fact you want a divorce on me? Without telling me? How long has this been coming? Did you ever love me? I bet you never loved me, this was all a joke to you wasn’t it?” I wasn’t screaming enough to give the neighbors a hear, but loud enough that it made Jenny flinch. Feeling bad, I lowered my voice._

_“What about Sarah Grace?” I looked down at the papers. These were the papers that ended everything. Severed every tie and Jenny has already singed them. She let out a huff and spoke._

_“Kevin, I’ve been thinking about this for months. You can’t support Sarah Grace or me, Kevin. Between your detective salary and mine, we can barely make it. I’ve had to ask my parents for more money than I would like, because my husband can’t step up to the plate and support his family.” She had some malicious in her voice and boy did that make me feel like complete shit. I’m trying. Ive been working two jobs just to make sure they can survive. I would never let them go hungry or not have power. Where was Jenny getting this from?! I gritted out again._

_“What about Sarah Grace?” She pointed to the stack of papers and answered._

_“I’m just going to give you a rundown of the papers so it’ll be easier to read for you_. _Once November 1st comes, you will send me $600 every month. I’m going to give you until next Friday to leave the apartment and take your name off the lease. Until then I’ll be staying at my parents place. I’ll also have full custody of Sarah Grace until you find a place that I deem fit for my daughter to frequent. Upon that time we can both sit down with a lawyer and draw up a visitation agreement we both agree upon.” She had this all planned all along. Man some detective I am, I couldn’t even see my own wife leaving ._

_“Did you ever love me?” I questioned, though I knew I wouldn’t like the answer. She looked me dead in the eye._

_“At one point I did.”_

_My anger got the best of me again. I tore the papers opened and signed, which in hindsight wasn’t the wisest. Throwing the papers at her face I growled,_

_“You can stay, I’ll be out in twenty minutes.”_

_I proceeded to storm into the bedroom and rip everything that was remotely mine out of its place. I didn’t care that half of my possessions were getting smashed and ruffled, I just needed to get out of this house. Storming to the door I turned and grabbed the last thing I needed, a single photo of Sarah Grace. With one final slam of the door I heard Jenny say one final thing._

_“Pathetic.”_

I let out another gut wrenching sob as I let my gun lower. I need more to drink. Stumbling up from my bed and made my way back over to the mini fridge taking everything that was remotely alcoholic out for safe measures. I was still feeling and when I killed myself I didn’t want to feel anything. I ripped open another bottle and tossed my head back, the liquid was taking way too long to get into my system. That I didn’t like.

Losing my footing on the way back to my original seat I fell landing near the foot of the bed. If I wasn’t in this state of mind I would have commented on the state of the rug that was covered with god knows what. But hey maybe when they come to clean my dead body of the ground the hotel might think about replacing the rug. This would be the last time I ever had to be a burden to anyone. My pension was still for Jenny, so Sarah Grace would be taken care of. I wish I could have told Sarah Grace goodbye one last .

Maybe I could. In a blurry haze I pulled out my phone that was vibrating. Incoming call from Javi.

I attempted to press deny and open voice memo slowly. Maybe I could say one last thing to my baby girl. Hoping it was working I began to speak and clearly as possible.

_Sarah Grace I love you. You were precious from the moment you were born and I’m sorry I can’t be around to watch you grow up and protect you. I love you. Don’t forget that._

Finishing up this bottle and starting on another one I began to raise the gun again. Might as well get it over with. 

* * *

 

We had all taking the same car in the direction of the hotel Kevin was staying at. Beckett had even turned on the sirens, which any other day she would say was abusing power , but I think we all had the same bad feeling. I kept trying to call him, but he would never pick up.

“Espo, were almost there. Don’t worry, well find him” Castle said. I could tell though he had the same thoughts running through his own head.

Finally on what felt like the millionth call ( technically it could have been, I've been calling him sense we let Beckett's office), Kevin picked up.

“Kevin asnswered!” Quickly Castle whipped his head around and looked at me. I placed the phone call on speaker for the whole car to hear, but before I could even get a word through I heard his broken voice. "Sarah Grace I love you. You were precious from the moment you were born and I’m sorry I can’t be around to watch you grow up and protect you. I love you. Don’t forget that." it all came out in a slur And with a click the call was over. I didn’t even speak. No one said anything and I could feel the car accelerate faster. Kevin was going to do something stupid. My Kevin was going to do something stupid. I couldn’t lose my partner; there was somethings I couldn’t leave unsaid. Please god, don’t take someone I love. 


	3. Playing In Traffic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing. Thank you all for reading. Much love.

Pulling up into the shitty hotel we all jumped out slamming our doors.

"12s over there!" Screamed Castle as we all took off in the direction of the door.

In a matter a few sprints we were all at the door that had a gold 12 hanging on the chipped red paint. Wasting no time I started slamming my fist down the door.

"KEV? OPEN UP!" I screamed like it was going out of style.

Worry washed over me. Had he already killed himself? Was that why he wasn't answering the door? Maybe he was was dying right now. Before my brain reacted my foot was slamming against the deadbolt in an attempt to break open the door. Luckily, the years special forces training made it a quick and easy process. Without a second thought Castle, Beckett , and I were running the door with the only thing on our mind, Kevin. The room was tiny so we spotted Kevin within seconds of entering. The moment I saw that brownish red type of hair my heart broke.

The stench of vomit and alcohol made its way to our noses as our eyes wandered around the depressing room. A few duffel bags were tossed carelessly throughout the room and a small photo of Sarah Grace was on the nightstand. Breaking my attention from the surroundings I saw Kevin. There he was leaning against a small bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand and his gun in the other. I dropped my needs as fast as I could placing a gentle hand on Kevin's pale neck.

"Kevin? Can you hear me? Kevin?" I let out a sigh of relief as Kevin's eyes fluttered open.

"Jaavii?" He slurred, attempting to move.

Castle moved around me quickly grabbing the bottle and gun out of his hand and put it aside. Beckett had pulled a chair from the dinky table that was across the room and Castle and I hoisted him up in the chair. I had to keep a hand on Kevin just so I knew he was alive. I lost him once and I’ll be damned if I lose him again.

“I checked around. There is not any pill bottle or anything, just a ton of broken glass.” Beckett said as she moved to crouch in front of Kevin too.

“Kevin, can you understand me?” He was mumbling as this point. I wanted to cry , but I knew I couldn’t let my guard down in front them. I cocked my head around, making eye contact with Beckett and Castle. We all shared the same pained look.

“-huuum Javvv, why chu here?” Kevin slurred lazily as he tried to move his hand to my face, but missed by a few inches. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was everywhere.

“I’m here to take you home.” I moved my hand up to his cheek and gently rubbed it.

“We should get him to the hospital” Beckett said as she stood back up.

“I don’t think he needs the hospital, I’ve been drunker I my college days.” Castle said with a soft chuckle.

“I agree with him. Let’s get him out of this place and take him back to mine.” Standing up I put my arms on Kevin’s torso and pulled him up from his sitting position and towards myself. Beckett made a sour face then began to speak.

“No! He almost killed himself! He needs to be in a hospital on a psych hold!”

The look on my face must have been pretty bad, cause before I spoke both Castle and Beckett backed up in fright.

“NO! I’m taking him to my place where I can watch him and make sure he’s okay. And when he sobers up I’m going to get the answers I want. I’m going to protect him, not some hospital.”

“no yelling- ple-“ Kevin murmured as he placed his face into my neck. In any other situation I would have reacted at Kevin’s action, but today was not the day. I tightened my grip on Kevin and in one final attempt to get past them, I spoke.

“Once he sobers up, if I feel he needs it I’ll personally take him to the hospital. Until then, I’m protecting him. I can’t lose him again."

* * *

 

 

It took me a few minutes to pour Kevin into the backseat of Beckett’s cruiser. Once we had him in the car it only took us a few quick trips to get his remaining belongings in the trunk. As Castle went to make check out Kevin, I made one final sweep of the room. Eyes landing on the single photo of Sarah Grace I carefully picked it up and gingerly placed it into my front chest pocket. We piled into the vehicle and made the solemn ride back to my house. No one spoke, the only thing heard was the occasional a low whine from Kevin. I wanted to know so badly what was running through his brain. Why would such a beautiful man want to end his life? I wanted to know what happened between him and Jenny, because if it’s affecting him this badly it had to be serious.

Anger flowed within me; Jenny lied and I wanted to confront her about it. I always supported Kevin, that being said I supported Jenny too. I treated that women like a sister and this is what she does? I remember the day I made her promise; she smiled and giggled not even batting an eyelash.

_“Javier, you know I’ll take good care of him. Loosen up, it’s time to pass the torch. He’s mine now.”_ I can still remember the smirk on her face when she said that.

She knew about how I felt for Kevin a mere week after we were introduced.

_I let out a breath of air, “promise me Jenny, I don’t want to see him hurt.”_

_“Promise.”_

A hand grabbed my bicep and squeezed. Looking over Kevin spoke.

“um ont eel good jav” He must have been pretty wasted cause when he spoke it was still slurred.

Placing a hand over Kevin’s I squeezed. “Don’t worry, were going to be back home soon.”

Moving my head I caught a glimpse of Beckett in the rear view mirror. I’ve seen the knowing look before, man I need to hide my feelings better.

Beckett threw on the sirens for the second time today as she parked at the front of my New York apartment. Opening the door I wrapped my arms around Kevin’s waist for the second time today and began to work my way to the door of my building. Following in tow Castle and Beckett were carrying Kevin’s possessions, with made my heart break even more.

“Mr. Esposito, you need to tell Mr. Ryan to lay off the vodka. I can smell him from here!” I looked up at my door man. Letting a tired smile I haul Kevin past him and said,

“Rough day, but I’ll let him know.”

Heading straight to the elevator I pressed the button waiting for the doors to swing open. As they did all four of us shuffled into the elevator and I pressed the button. Soon we’d all get the answers we want. Once we hit my floor I worked Kevin out of the elevator. Using only one arm I pulled my keys out of my back pocket and opened the door. They placed his things in the entrance of my door.

“Beckett and I are going to run down and grab some food for all of us-” Castle spoke with an cock of his eyebrow “and maybe some Gatorade for Kevin.” I didn’t say anything, just nodded my head as they let their self out. I pulled Kevin onto my couch as I sat, letting his head fall on my lap.

“Jav-” I placed a hand on his head and gently rubbed.

“Shh mi amor. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay”


	4. I Can Hear You and I Need You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the haze of a hangover, love come through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading.
> 
> Side note; would anyone be interested in a multi chapter fanfic that is based around Fenton O'Connell ( Kevin) and is angst, drama?

From the moment Kevin’s head hit my lap his breathing evened out and he fell into a slumber. I was hoping letting him go to sleep wasn’t going to come and bite me in the ass, but this boy defiantly needed some shut eye. Carefully I continued to stroke his face as he let out small puffs. I still couldn’t wrap my head around today’s events, because the idea of Kevin being so upset made my head spin. He couldn’t hurt a fly. After today all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around him and never let him go. Keeping other hand tightly on his shoulder I sent up a silent prayer for not letting Kevin die today., I don’t want to think about if he did. I don’t think I could live without him.

“How’s he doing?” Came a voice from my door, It was Beckett with Castle in tow. They had a few bags in their hands, shuffling towards my kitchen they the items on the island and made their way back into the living room. We all stayed quiet as they found a place to sit and looked in Kevin and I’s direction.

I sighed gently removing my hand from Kevin’s face. As I was about to speak he let out a small whimper, automatically I put my hand back to his face and resumed stroking. “He’s just been asleep, nothing new.”

Castle and Beckett exchanged a glance. “When are you going to tell him, Javier?”

“Tell him what?”

Both of them let out a small chuckle. “That you love him.” Beckett said with gentle smile.

I froze, they couldn’t know could they? My face must have had a myriad of emotion because the small chuckle became a deep belly laugh from Castle. “Beckett, he looks like someone told him Santa isn’t real.”

“Esposito we know, okay?” The look they were giving me like of looked like the look my mama would throw me if I acted up. It was kind of funny.

Sighing, I responded. “Look, I do, okay. I’ve loved this guy since the moment I laid eyes on him.” Castles eyes widened, “Love?”

I rolled my eyes and move my hand up to Kevin’s hair rubbing gently. “Yes Castle, love. I can’t explain it, he just means so much to me.” No one spoke for a few minutes. I had a feeling in my gut that I couldn’t peg, but only god knows what that meant. Beckett smiled, “Does he know?”

I chuckled, “He’s married, Beckett. Well I think he is……”

Castle made a face and spoke again, “Javier, something had to have happened and you need to be there for him. Show him you love him, you’ve been a stale thing in his life for the last 12 years. Keep it up.” Kate just nodded along agreeing, I smiled at what he said. These past 12 years had been pretty great.

“You’re right Castle, not matter what I’m going to make sure Kevin knows I love him and will never leave his side.”

Kevin started to wiggle. I pulled my hand back and let him move around. He ended up flipped with his legs tucked under himself with his nose pressed into my stomach. Somehow he also managed to jam one arm behind my back and had a tight hold on me. I smiled again.

“I love him so much and he’ll never know.”

 

* * *

 

I couldn’t tell you which pain felt worse, the one in my head or the one in my stomach. My memory was blurry and I couldn’t place my current location. All I remember was going back to the hotel and drinking my sorrows away. I attempted to sniff the air; the air didn’t have the stench of mold and disappear. The place smelt of home, something familiar. The place smelt like Javier. I couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes; it would only bring more pain. As the fog of the appending hangover attempted to take over me, my ever sense began to open up. I could feel my body hanging off the couch in some awkward direction. My body felt like it was on fire and frozen all in one. My head was on something firm yet soft and I could vaguely hear what only sounded like people talking.. I tried to focus on the voices but everything sounded like it was under water, out of everything the only thing I could make out was a warm hand rubbing up and down on my face. It was calming; the small repetitive action was making all this pain in my body go away. After a few moments I realized I must be on Javier’s couch with my head on his lap?

“ _When are you going to tell him, Javier?”_

_“Tell him what?”_

_“That you love him.”_

If I wasn’t so hung over I would have let out an audible gasp. My brain was running at 100 miles an hour, could Javier really love me? Was I just dreaming? I wanted to laugh; these last few weeks just make my head spin. Lord.

_“Look, I do, okay. I’ve loved this guy since the moment I laid eyes on him.”_

My heart skipped a beat; did Javier just say he loves me? More thoughts kept running through my head, was this real? I’ve always had feelings for Javier, he always had my back. From the little things he’d always do for me, the Madden nights, and the unspoken agreement that came in the form of bad chinese food and beer after a bad case. Javier Esposito had always been in my heart and I loved the man.

_“Love?”_

_“Yes Castle, love. I can’t explain it, he just means so much to me.”_

Love, that simple four letter word that I simply cannot get over, he loved me. He loved me. I kept uttering that three letter phrase, he loved me. I wanted to sit up and wrap my arms around him and tell him I love him too, but my body wouldn’t let myself move. I sure as hell wasn’t going to be drinking that much ever again.

“ _He’s married, Beckett. Well I think he is……”_ Everything stopped when he said that, everything rushed back to my brain. Jenny, Sarah Grace, the divorce, my revolver to my head, almost pulling the trigger. My life spiraled out of control and now I was paying for it. Javier wouldn’t want me in the broken state I am; he probably thinks I’m some dead beat husband, well EX husband.

_“You’re right Castle, not matter what I’m going to make sure Kevin knows I love him and will never leave his side.”_

I couldn’t contain the joy that was bubbling throughout my heart when he said those words; he was going to be by my side. My body finally allowing for some movement in my hungover state I flipped around so my knees were facing the back of the couch. The hand moved back from my head and I almost let out a whimper, I needed the attention from Javier. So to make up for the sudden lack of skin to skin contact I made sure my nose pressed into his stomach taking in his scent. I slithered my arm behind Javier pulling him to my face tightly smiling. When this hangover was over I’m going to have to talk to him.

“ _I love him so much and he’ll never know_.” I couldn’t let Javier go on thinking that, so I tried real hard to speak. Though everything came out as a mumble against the hard surface that is his stomach, I moved as much as my body would allow me. This ended up as me lying flat on my back and my face no longer in his stomach.

“I –ov uo iver”, I managed to get out. He needs to know. My senses were coming back to me and I could make out my surroundings as I pried my eyes open seeing the binding light. The first thing I saw was he ceiling of Javier’s apartment. I struggled to sit up as a had met my chest, it was Beckett pushing me back to Javier.

“Sit down Kevin, you need rest.” I didn’t take no for an answer, I had to let Javier know. I grabbed ahold of his olive green shirt and pulled myself up and towards him. Luckily he used his arm to hold me and keep me upright.

“iver –ove –ou” Everything was way too bright and I only had tunnel vision on the thing that mattered most, Javi. He had is eyebrows cocked and a confused look on his face, could he understand me? I muttered the phrase again and he still couldn’t understand me right? He wasn’t responding, so that had to be the reason, he couldn’t hear me. No one spoke; I could see the gears turning in Javier’s head. Instead of telling him again I went forward and pressed my lips against his or what I thought was his, it was actually the side of his mouth and his cheek. Taking all my strength to speak correctly I began to move my lips,

“ Javi, I love you.”


	5. Two Steps Forward ,One Step Back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for everyone reading! 
> 
> Side Note: Would anyone read a AU about Kevin/Fenton O'Connell? It would be angsty,dramatic, and a dash of romance?

The whole room was silent and Javier had a deer in the head light look. The only thing that changed was he tightened his grip on me. His warm coffee eyes didn't break from mine at all, but slowly his mouth turned up into a smile. 

"And that is our que to leave, right Beckett? You boys have a good night; call us if you need anything." In a quick few steps Castle had Beckett dragged out of Javier's apartment and we were alone.  
I held my breath as good as someone with as massive of hangover like mine could and waited to see if Javier would respond.

Javier licked his lips and let out a breath of air, “Kevin, how drunk are you right now?" He questioned.

I frowned, sure it had only been a few hours since I downed more than enough vodka. The thing is, let me sleep a little while and all the booze turns into a hangover fast. I blame it on my Irish roots. Though with matters of the heart neither my sober nor drunken self could lie. I love Javier.

"Javi, it doesn't matter. I love you." I said quickly looking down.

"Kevin, I don't want you to regret something. Go back to sleep and we'll talk later on." Javier still had not loosened the grip on me, but I could tell there was some form of anguish laced in his voice. 

Focusing with all my might, I pulled a hand up to caress Javier's face. “I’m not regretting anything, Javier. I think it's about time I tell the truth, I love you too."  
His grin grew wider; I could feel his skin heat up as a red blush went across his cheeks. After a second he jerked back suddenly, "Too? Wait, did you hear me talk with Castle and Beckett?" 

I looked down and grinned, “Enough to know I have nothing to be scared of if I do this." 

Aiming and hitting the target, my lips finally hit Javier's fully. With all my love coming out of me I pressed down hard and instantly was granted access to his warm mouth. Our tongues met in a fierce battle of heat and fought for dominance, normally I like to take control in these sorts of things but I did after all still have a hangover. We could duel again later, so we know who the true master is.  
Javier let out a loud moan as I but gently on his bottom lip. The taste of this man was something I could never get over, he was simply a god.

With a few quick shifts I was fully straddling Javier on his couch, I began moving letting my jean clad front rub against him. He let out a few moans and I could feel him responding in a great manner. My hand ran down his front as I grabbed a fist full of his shirt and tried to pull it over his head, but Javier suddenly pulled away. Putting on hand against my chest. "Kevin, we need to talk."

I was panting as I moved my head back, still keeping my position straddling him. I began to frown; maybe Javier was having second thoughts. I really don't know what I would do if that's true.

"Kevin, it's nothing bad. I just want to know some answers, please." I kept my eyes down and stumbled backwards to remove myself from him. As I fell backwards onto the couch across from him I let out a whisper,

"What do you want to know?"

Javier moved forward and adjusted his problem. He cleared his throat and crossed his hands, “Do you remember anything from a few hours ago?"  
I shook my head even though that was a lie.

"Kevin, you almost killed yourself. Kevin killed yourself" Not responding to Javi, I kept my eyes trained to the floor. He probably thinks less of me.

"We also found out you've been staying at a hotel for the last month too, man what the hell? Explain please!" His voice was rising slightly, I still didn’t respond. What could I say? My life is in a downward spiral and I wanted to blast my brains out? I chuckled, he’d surely kick my ass out into the hall way. Javier scoffed.

“You know you called me before you passed out? You know what that call did to me? That call almost killed me Kevin. You sounded so broken and that made my heart break.” I pulled my eyes up to meet his; I could see tears beginning to fall out of his eyes. I tried to open my mouth and speak, but Javier pulled out a photo out of his jacket that was draped across the side table. 

“The thing is, what do you think it would do to her.” He pushed the photo across his the black living room table. It was a photo of Sarah Grace. Now it was my turn to have the tears begin to pour, my dear Sarah Grace.

“I’m sorry,” I hiccupped grasping the photo tightly, how could she have taken her away from me. Javier got up from his spot and made his way over to me, engulfing me in a hug. “Kevin, just tell me okay? Please, I’m worried.”

Grasping the photo tightly I pushed out of Javier’s hold. I sucked in a big breath and spoke,  
“Jenny and I are divorced and she took Sarah Grace.” Javier had a shocked look on his face; he knew how much Sarah Grace meant to me. 

“How long?”

“It’s been a month, I checked into the hotel the same day I signed the papers.” 

“What about Sarah Grace?” I chuckled, Javier always on my side.

“Jenny has full custody until I can find a place she deems okay for Sarah Grace to frequent.” 

“And you thought a shitty hotel was going to work?” He had his matter of fact face that normally would piss me off, but today it made me chuckle. 

“So let me get this right, Jenny leaves you and takes Sarah Grace and you go and live in a hotel for the last month?” He placed a hand on my shoulder, using his thumb too gently to caress my collar bone. I let his warm touch calm me down; Javier was here and hadn’t kicked me out yet. Maybe I’m in the clear. 

“Kevin this may be a sore subject, but why did she leave?” I sucked in a breath for the millionth time today, great he wanted to know why I failed at my marriage. He’s just going to pity me and that’s something I hated, I don’t need it.

“Kev?”

Responding slowly I answered, “I couldn’t provide for her Javi, I couldn’t provide for my family.” 

“So that’s the real reason why you wanted to take the sergeants exam.” He paused, “and that’s why you left in a hurry after you found out you didn’t pass.” 

I started to tear up again, this time the tears came out larger. “I failed Javier, I’m a failure.” 

He moved forward to engulf me again, but this time I pushed him back from me.  
“Kevin, you’re not a failure.” 

“I am a failure Javier and I can’t bring you down with me.” I gushed out as I pulled myself up from the couch and began to bolt towards the door. Pulling it open I ran.


	6. Oceans take us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you dumbass"

Keeping the pace I used the stairs instead of the elevator on the off chance someone would catch me. I didn’t stop, even when my lungs were burning. I had made it out of Javier’s building and ignored whatever the hell his door man had to say, I just let my feet take me into the city. I wanted to get lost in the big city. I pushed my way through numerous groups of disgruntled people, I didn’t stop to apologize I just kept running as if all my problems would fall away. I briefly looked up from the path I was blazing and saw the sign of The Old Haunt; mentally cursing I picked up my speed. I couldn’t have anyone remotely connected with the bar see me, they would dial someone from the 12th in a heart beat.

Running faster than I thought was humanly possible I kept going in direction I was heading. Maybe I’d fine the answer to this life at the end of this road. How could I ever let my life spiral out of control like this, how? Had I really messed up that bad in a past life or was this just what my life destined to be, a fucking cosmic joke. Flashes of people began to run through my head; Jenny, Sarah Grace, Javier, Castle, Beckett. I couldn’t stand to be ruining their life, they shouldn’t of had to come get me out of a roach motel, I should have finished myself before they came. Fuck I thought, they wouldn’t have come if I didn’t call them like a dumbass. Even in my last moments I still matter to fail. Perfectly sums up my life.

I guess I had forgotten how much alcohol I had ingested today, because when I looked up I had just barely passed The Old Haunt with a steady jog. I was so inebriated that I didn’t notice the police cruiser pulling into the parking spot a few steps from the door. “Kevin?” Another check mark in the ‘failing’ box, fuck I truly live in a lonely state of denial and self-decay.

* * *

 

I ran after Kevin the second the door flew open, but when I made it to the end of the hall I couldn’t find him. Jamming the down button, I took it down the three floors and began sprinting out the front of my building. That fool didn’t even have shoes on, come on! It was early November; it was cold as hell and bound to snow any day.

“Mr. Esposito, where was Mr. Ryan going in such a hurry?” I whipped my head around so fast I almost got whip last, “Which way did he go?”

He cocked an eyebrow at me, “Left.” With that I channeled my inner service days and took off left like the devil was on my ass. I’m going to find Kevin and set him straight, whatever this funk is I’m going to make sure he knows that we love and care, but more importantly that I love him and care. I can’t lose him to these dark thoughts.

I was running, where the hell could he have gone? The crowds of people in New York seemed to be uncooperative today (like they ever were) everyone seemed to be clumping together on the sidewalk making It even harder to get by fast.

Someone had to have seen some a guy running like the devil was chasing him, plus the guy had no shoes! I had made it up to the corner that had the pizza joint Kevin and I like and stopped, where the fuck was he?! I stopped in front of the pizza, throwing my hands up in the air. My hands went to my head lacing together.

Suddenly I felt a buzzing in my back pocket. My hands shot down and pulled out my phone, ‘Beckett’ was scrawled across the screen. Did we catch another case? “Esposito”, I said with annoyance. A case was the last damn thing I needed right now.

“-THE DOCKS! –KEVIN! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?”, screamed Beckett into the phone. “What?” I barked back, “Kevin just ran by The Old Haunt with no fucking shoes on! He’s heading towards the docks!”

I hung up the phone in a hurry and immediately took off in the direction of the docks, disregarding any traffic laws. Feet pounding and heart racing I willed my body to move faster than ever before, I need to make sure Kevin was going to be okay. The fact Kevin was so down on himself to the point of contemplating suicide made my head spin, this man was a credit job. He had so many talents that he just couldn’t see. 

* * *

 

 

I made it to the edge of the road, where the water met the docks. From where I stopped I could see the rushing water, it sent a wave of peace over me as my feet one by one made their way down the dock. I really didn’t know what I was going to do; I just needed a moment alone to think. I hadn’t had a moment alone since the hotel and with everyone suffocating me like I was a basket case (no matter how short of time it had been). Plus, I was embarrassed, okay? Anyone who’s ever been close to taking their life would understand what I meant. Either it be slitting your wrists, choking down pills, or holding a gun to your head, when someone catches you in the act or it doesn’t work it makes you feel worse cause its just another thing failed. My mind was so cloudy; none of my thoughts were going straight. I made my way to the edge of the dock and sat down, my feet dangling above the water.

Tears were welling up in my eyes and I started to let out sobs, How did I let myself fall this far? How did I let myself become this pathetic failure? The thing is, I can’t bring myself to believe what everyone is saying, I was a failure. There was no doubt about it.

“KEVIN, wait don’t do anything stupid!” I let out annoyed sigh, it was Castle. Without a doubt you know Beckett was not far behind, which meant Javi was coming too. Can’t I get a moment alone? Turning around I was meant with the slightly amusing sight of a rumpled Castle sprinting like there was no tomorrow my way.

“Kevin, please don’t do anything!” I slung my feet back over the edge and on the road, hoisting myself up. Mentally I told myself today wasn’t the day. Begin to part my lips I was interrupted by a feminine yell.

“I swear to God Kevin, if you jump I will shoot your ass!” Now that made me laugh, wasn’t that defeating the purpose? Castle must have thought the same thing cause the moment he had a tight grip on me he full on screamed at Beckett,

“THAT’S NOT WHAT WERE GOING FOR!”

“Uh Castle, can you loosen the grip?” Yeah that did jack, cause next thing I knew Beckett had both her hand on my other arm ,both dragging far away from the water. I knew not to resist, so I just let them move me.

“Kevin, what the hell are you doing? You have no shoes on running to the docks like a mad man?” Beckett had a stern motherly look on her face; even Castle was sharing the same look. My back was up against a brick wall and they had surrounded me. I looked down; do I tell them that I practically just fucked my partnership and friendship with Javier? Great there go the self-deprecating thoughts again. I kept my head down hoping they would get the message, but there was no such luck.

“Kevin Ryan, answer us.” I pulled my eyes up to meet theirs; I could keep the tears coming on, great. “I kissed Esposito.” I stated bluntly.

They chuckled, “When you love someone Kevin I think that’s how it works.” I snorted of course Castle can be a smart ass. “It’s not like that Castle, I have baggage that would make him never love me.” I paused, “I’m a failure and not worth his time for a relationship. I can get over the feelings; I just don’t want to hurt him.” The tears began to pour out of my eyes. Kate and Castle both had stunned looks of their face, they probably agreed. They were about to speak when a growl came out of the blue, whipping around we say an angry Javier Esposito holding a pair of shoes.

“Move away from Kevin, now.” His voice was deep and strict sounding. No one said anything and they just stepped back from me.Next thing I knew he had thrown the shoes on the ground and I was pushed up against the brick wall with Javier’s fist wrapped around my lapels. Javier had hoisted me up against the wall, my feet dangling inches from the ground. I knew this was going to end like this if I kissed Esposito, I mentally sighed. There was no good in life.

“Esposito, What are you doing?” Question Beckett calmly, I outright chuckled. Can she tell what he’s doing? He’s trying to get out of his life. How could I have been so stupid? Javier kept a calm look on his face, he didn’t speak. I was looking straight into his eyes; there was an array of emotions. None of them I could place.

“What the fuck do you think you are doing?” Javier gritted out as he tightened his grip on my lapels. I couldn’t bring myself to speak; tears just began to pour out of my eyes.

“Answer me dammit!” Javier screamed, shaking me.

“I needed some time to think,” I choked out over the tears. Javier’s eyes switched colors and he let out a little sob, was he crying now?

“You don’t love me don’t you?” He questioned softly. If my heart wasn’t already in pieces It would have broken right then and there. I began to struggle to get him to let me down.

“Put me down Javier, now.” I barked. He didn’t say anything and just loosened his grip letting me slip down. Once my feet touched the ground I grabbed him by his shirt, whipping him around slamming him into the wall. I didn’t waste any time attaching my lips to his.

“I love you dumbass. I love you so much”. I slammed my lips back to his, showing all the emotions running through my body. We stayed in our position carefully letting our lips staying locked exchanging soft kisses.

“Uh guys, not to break up this love fest but Kevin, you need shoes on now.” Castle said with an eyebrow cocked. I chuckled; running out with no shoes on wasn’t my brightest idea. I went forward to grab my shoes when Beckett spoke,

“So um Kevin, hate to be that person, but are you okay? Was that a suicide attempt, cause we need to take you to the hospital then and-”.

“Beckett, I’m fine.” I said as I slipped on my shoes, couldn’t bring myself to look at her. Beckett let out a sigh of breath and stepped back.

“Let go to the Haunt, we all need to talk.” Castle said with a sigh as he pulled Kates hand back towards the bar. Putting my head down I let my hand slip in Javier’s as we followed their lead. I just really wish today would be over.

“Kevin?” ,whispered Javier into my ear. I turned to him, making eye contact. Acknowledging him to speak, “I love you too.” I was about to speak again when Castle spoke again.

“And Kevin,” Castle questioned over his shoulder.

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely no drinks for you.”


End file.
